Here’s a surprise—loving people isn’t always easy. You know the ones I’m talking about: the difficult coworker, the family member who always stirs up drama, or the person whose negativity feels like nails on a chalkboard. It’s tempting to throw up your hands and say, “I just can’t deal with them.” Believe me, I’ve been there. But here’s the hard truth—learning to love the unlovable isn’t just about them; it’s about what happens in you when you choose love over resentment.
So, how do you do it? How do you love someone who feels impossible to love? Let’s break it down together.
Start by Checking Your Heart
I’ll be honest: loving someone difficult often starts with you, not them. That’s a tough pill to swallow, isn’t it? It’s so much easier to point the finger and list all the reasons why they are the problem. But before you can show love to anyone else, you’ve got to check what’s going on in your own heart.
Ask yourself: Why do I struggle with this person? Is it their behavior? Your expectations? Or maybe something deeper, like pride or fear? Sometimes, our inability to love someone stems from unresolved pain or a lack of self-awareness. Take some time to pray, reflect, or journal about what’s really going on inside you. That inner clarity can open the door to a love you didn’t think you were capable of.
Understand Where They’re Coming From
This part is huge. Every person you encounter is fighting battles you may never see. That rude neighbor? Maybe they’re grieving a loss. The critical coworker? They might be dealing with insecurities that you can’t even imagine. Understanding someone’s story doesn’t excuse bad behavior, but it does help you approach them with empathy instead of judgment.
Take a step back and ask yourself, What might this person be going through? You don’t need all the details to realize that hurt people often hurt others. Sometimes, the most unlovable people are the ones who need love the most. When you see them through a lens of compassion, it softens the way you respond.
Set Boundaries Without Losing Compassion
Let’s clear something up: loving the unlovable doesn’t mean becoming a doormat. It’s okay—actually, it’s necessary—to set boundaries with people who drain you emotionally or behave in toxic ways. Love and boundaries go hand in hand. They’re not opposites; they’re teammates.
If someone consistently disrespects you, you can still love them while saying, “I’m not okay with this behavior.” Loving someone doesn’t mean tolerating abuse, enabling bad habits, or sacrificing your mental health. Boundaries protect your ability to love well, because they ensure you’re not running on empty.
Choose Actions Over Feelings
Let’s be real: you’re not always going to feel like loving someone. And that’s okay, because love isn’t just an emotion; it’s a choice. Sometimes, loving the unlovable means doing the right thing even when your emotions are screaming, “Forget it!”
Start small. Send an encouraging text. Hold the door open. Offer a genuine compliment. These little acts of kindness might not transform your relationship overnight, but they can plant seeds of change—both in you and in them. Over time, those small actions can grow into a habit of choosing love, even when it’s hard.
Remember the Bigger Picture
When it feels impossible to love someone, remember that you’ve been on the receiving end of unconditional love too. Think about the times you’ve messed up, fallen short, or been unkind. Someone—whether it was a friend, a parent, or even God—chose to love you anyway. That kind of grace is a game-changer.
For me, my faith plays a big role in this. The Bible talks about loving your enemies and doing good to those who mistreat you. That’s not just a lofty ideal; it’s a practical challenge to rise above our natural instincts. When I think about how much grace I’ve been given, it makes it a little easier to extend that same grace to others.
Give It Time and Grace
Lastly, don’t expect overnight results. Loving the unlovable is a journey, not a quick fix. You’re going to mess up. You’ll lose your patience, say the wrong thing, or feel like giving up. That’s okay—keep going. Growth takes time, and so does love.
Give yourself grace in the process. Celebrate small victories, like the moment you choose patience instead of anger or the time you offer kindness despite rejection. These moments add up, and they remind you that loving the unlovable is always worth it.
Closing Thoughts
Loving difficult people isn’t about changing them; it’s about changing you. It’s about becoming someone who chooses love over hate, grace over judgment, and kindness over indifference. It’s not easy, but nothing worth doing ever is.
So, who’s that one person in your life you’ve been struggling to love? Take a deep breath, check your heart, and start small. You’ve got this. And remember, every act of love—no matter how small—makes the world a little brighter.